Pause in Clogging - Bit od

Haven't blogged in far too long. I'm sorry to those that truly are interested and are concerned about me. I had some feedback that quite honestly left me questioning if I wanted to be sharing such personal and emotional information with the world. Of course I considered this at length prior to doing it, but re-evaluation was important. Decision, this is more therapeutic and enjoyable for me than I willing to give up.

Most of my blogs are far from amazing writing. I often times will just write what is on my mind - blindly share what I am experiencing. At times this ends in less than stellar, smooth easy to understand reading. I have always tried to go back and edit them for spelling/grammar/clarity as I feel up to it. For the same reasons I'm not working, doing that it's easier said than done. Dr appts (rarely less than 3 hour drive) constantly changing hard core meds that I'm on - I'm sorry folks its part of my reality right now.

I had many compliments about what I wrote in honor of my mom on her birthday. First of all thank you, it meant a LOT and was very emotional for me to not just write but share with her AND the world. I don't consider it "just a blog" I spent a lot of time, many days, hours working on it. How the words flowed, exactly what I said and how I said it were carefully choreographed. I had a lot that needed to be said for myself. However, if you want to see me, my experiences as they happen good, bad and ugly (my purpose of blogging). Some times I haven't slept for 24 hrs, other times I can barely keep my eyes open despite the 20 hrs of sleep I've had. Again not to mention what medications I'm on.

Another point I want to talk about that has been a major topic of emotional change, personal investigation. My drive for "success" has been a topic of discussion more than once. Someone even stated that basically you don't strive for success - that is something that will be determined by others ultimately in your obituary. Having written obituaries for a few years in my early 20s at the local newspaper I couldn't agree more with this statement. I also recognize that success is measured by each of us VERY differently. The areas of success are equally diverse. Would a different word have been better suited? Possibly....but for now I hope my readers understood my meaning.

Now I question with all of this. Should I have go back and edit all of this, attempt to improve my quality from here out? My first rule for ME is this is my experience, my blog, my personal emotions. None of its changing for someone else this time. That would make no sense now would it?  I go back and re-read past postings. If I choose I clean it up. One of the very harsh realities for me and you if your watching, my writing demonstrates for me (as clearly as a video recording) my bad days whether its pain, too many mess in me, or just plain emotional. Some blobs just drop off and end....I started having an episode, or the meds were just strong and I fell as

This experience isn't cotton candy.....mmmm THAT sounds good LOL. Its arguably the most challenging, life altering, emotional ---- I have ever experienced. There are pretty days, basic days and downright ugly.

So, please keep the comments coming. Some have been intellectually and philosophically challenging for me. I'm not ignoring them. I feel blessed just by the thought that was put into the messages. Please understand they deserve equal response which right now I simply can't provide an answer I'm happy with.

Visitors - My house is open! I'm missing everyone terrible. Please come by! Usually I am home. Even emails. I love it ALL!!

Time to Stop Screaming!

My mom celebrated her birthday today. She started my day responding to my Happy Birthday wishes with the comment "I'm just happy to be alive". I couldn't agree more! I can't begin to imagine my life without her.

Being her birthday I spent time thinking about my maternal grandmothers comment Saturday - you must stop fighting with your mother. I know why I couldn't just "stop", I never "started". I am very close to my parents. I think the world of my Mom.

My mom sacrificed the first 10+ years of my life being a stay at home mom. She even home-schooled me for a year, my sisters longer. She worked very hard to feed us extremely healthy food, do rotation diets for my food allergies. She did it not only for myself and my sisters but also opened our home as a day care provider. All while going to school herself to get her degree. So many things I can't even begin to imagine how she had the time, strength or power.

I was never an easy child. Arguably, I have fought with her since birth. I was THAT baby. I screamed non-stop at least my first year and about half the time until I was, oh say 10 and maybe 1/3 of the time until I moved out. God bless her. Now that I've raised two daughters, she had her work cut out for her when it came to me. She put me in anger management, she tried to teach me how to be calmer about life, relax, not be so stubborn in everyway she could.

As I've mentioned before I wanted to be the BEST as far back as I can remember. I also loved pleasing my parents. Looking at it now, I was quite the paradox, in one hand I made their life a living hell with my attitude and on the other I wanted to be perfect in school, activities, etc. When she was proud - it just further confirmed in my mind that I was succeeding!

I planned for success early- I would graduate (a year early) with stellar grades, move on and be accepted to a prestigious university. Instead one morning in April 1993, just 6 or 7 weeks before graduation I told her that I was pregnant. I broke her heart. Now as a parent I know she was scared for me. My response - be the BEST - take control of what I did and prove to myself, my mom (and everyone) I could do it, I would do it. I would succeed at this!

In doing so I now see I compounded the pain, her loss, her fears,  I thought I was helping her - she didn't need to raise our baby, we did. This time was so difficult for our relationship, but being 16/17 I failed to see all my options. I wasn't fighting with her - I'm sure it looked that way now - I was simply determined to succeed the best way I knew how for me, my new family.

For years, I consciously was showing her I was a success despite being a teen mom. I worked hard to be the best mom (accepting I could never be a mom like she had been). I unconsiously worked jobs that would add to it, make her proud. Usually, jobs that I enjoyed somewhat, or enjoyed portions of but usually I found difficult. Sometimes it was easy because I was promoting something that I truly believed in, but in the end it ate me alive. Social work, patient care, I don't have the strength she has in those areas.

Have I stopped yelling and screaming yet? Physically maybe (my kids may disagree at times) but I guess I haven't. I have been silently screaming saying here I am, I'm successful, I'm doing great. Unfortunately, being my worst critic. I created this picture of who and what I will be and exactly how I will do it. I've foolishly thought that meant she should just LOVE everything I LOVE and envisioned as if it mattered.

She and I are different in more ways than I can list. She is a Virgo, I'm a Gemini... We also are very much the same. Differences are what make us all so wonderful. They also are what makes it so difficult for us to understand each other. She may not love the fact that I keep tattooing my body, my dream is to be a pin-up girl, or maybe even why I was so passionate about my last position at work. I haven't been fighting with my Mom this whole time, I've just been yelling I'm successful, I did it, I'm a good mom, daughter - forgetting she doesn't have to share my passions and desires to love me and be proud of my success. Foolishly, in my becoming comfortable with me, I left this piece out.

In the end, I'm proud of my Mom and the success she has had. I personally think in her career she is hands down the best! If I find just a fraction of the success she has as a wife, mother and in her career - my life will be complete. 

One trait we share is neither of us is very good at stopping and resting when we should. Its gotten both of us into situations where God has to smack us upside the head.

Mom, Nana - I am working on this and hear God's message loud and clear. I'm not fighting - I guess I was just screaming still. Its time for silence (real silence). I love you both.

"Dream" Job - Chance of a Lifetime or Proving Ground

Going back I have worked very hard to do whatever job was placed in front of me. I have always done everything I could to be the BEST. I always had something to prove. I honestly can't even begin to guess when this started or why. I remember vaguely a third grade teacher - I had her for 6 months (maybe) and in the middle of that I was out probably 6 weeks+ due to appendicitis and complications from it. I started mid-year from another school and I was behind (in my mind). They were far into cursive writing - it may have even been required and my last school we had barely begun learning. It was instant failure in my mind. Obviously, still remember it to this day.
The older I got - I realized quickly that being ahead of the curve not behind it was my choice. In school I remember almost as a rule doing homework as soon as it was assigned - preferably in class that same day. I hated even the feeling of it being there later, yet on occasion I would get overwhelmed by something and procrastinate - which devastated me. Ever since I began working it was SUCCEED - having been a teen mom I found it impossible to give 100% to my new family, 100% to school and 100% to work. I cut out school, I could put an extra 25% into work and move up pretty damn well. I was happy with it, we were able to pay our own bills (sign in my book of success), and the recognition I often received wasn't bad either.
When my last position became a reality it was the ultimate challenge for me. I had been an office manager (polite term for secretary based on my duties) for a few years now. I liked the job okay but it wasn't something I saw myself doing ever much less a few years. I felt like dress the part, smile, be happy all the time, and do the tasks means everyone is happy. Even this job I worked when the bosses worked, brought coffee, goodies took the extra steps to be the BEST.
The position I was accepted for and worked for the past almost five years - was so much more. I was challenged beyond belief. Even more I had a LOT of people that couldn't believe that someone (ME) could go from being a secretary to doing technical work - especially without a degree! What better situation for me - not only was I extremely passionate about what I would be doing, I had to prove to everyone that not only could I do the job - I would be amazing. I should note here that I faced disgusting, unacceptable behavior from an unreal number of "professionals" trying to embarrass, scare, or maybe just make life very uncomfortable so I would give up, walk away. They didn't realize I am way to stubborn for that (and I guess I didn't realize a persons body can only do, take and succeed to a certain breaking point)
I literally put everything I had into it. I travelled non-stop, I worked at work, I brought work home at night, weekends. I loved what I was doing because of what it was. I was lost in an amazing job that first and foremost I loved. Next the hard work started paying off and I began to be noticed. Compliments, awards just feeding into me once again being the BEST. Let's make a point though that the more I succeeded the more it seemed those same people who wished me to fail in the beginning were waiting in the wings. I pushed harder and harder - intent on a glorious review and goals of advancement. As I did it I was succeeding, I was the BEST....at work. I was married to work, and projects somehow became babies to coddle.
The same day that performance cycle ended - my body crashed. That was September 30, 2009. Since then work has been something I crave and despise. The passion for the work has never changed, I want so bad to return to what I enjoyed so much. At the same time I despise the hatred and judgement that lurked behind every corner. People that often times had no clue what my job title or job description were yet hated to see me succeed.
I haven't been able to work much since September '09. I worked from home as much as my worsening/changing medical condition allowed, and I got a couple weeks in the office here and there. I found out Friday that effective two years from that date in 2009, my "dream career" is no longer. I still have a job, if and when I am able to return I will find a new position. Given today's economy, I am nothing but thankful.
Listening to my sister, my husband, friends - everyone has said it is God taking care of me in a very difficult situation. I've had to grieve - I've cried a lot. I was literally heart broken that it was gone.
Writing this I am heart broken but for a different reason than when I started. I got so caught up in the passion, the goals, the challenge, and being the "BEST" that I allowed myself to represent my "WORST" qualities. For one I allowed people that mean NOTHING to me, that only wanted to see me fail determine my course of action. I nearly lost not only myself but the most amazing husband - who despite me held on even when I thought otherwise. In doing so I forgot who I was and who is truly important in my life - ME, my husband, my kids, my family, friends and my country. That's who I succeed for....that's who deserves my BEST and never again can I sacrifice ME to accomplish that....
....a lesson that I hear loud and clear but I'm not yet sure how to do it. Time, prayer, family, friends I'm sure will get me there as they have gotten me to here.

Acceptance and LAUGHTER

In retrospect last night I realized that a big part of my challenge the past few days has been withdrawals. I saw my neurologist on Friday and he made some very major changes to medications with pretty serious withdrawal effects. Add to that - I was allergic to the new pain patch he prescribed - a opiate analgesic. To say the least all of this lead to a terrible combination of symptoms. I think everyone who reads this saw a bit of the mood effects. I say a bit because the tears that fell and the screaming I did at moments really wasn't accurately displayed even in what was a few very emotional posts.
In addition to all my emotions. I have had the I'm coming out of my skin, my skin is crawling, shaking (not my "abnormal" shaking), vomiting and diarrhea. The new meds brought unreal dizziness, vertigo, something. The patch pain med - woke me up early this afternoon feeling like it was literally burning a HOLE through my skin. The left side of my neck, ear was almost that itchy. I called the pharmacist - yes "Take it OFF now". Allergic reaction.....that's right! Does it ever END!
My afternoon was brightened with visitors. One visitor being my very sweet niece that's about 20 months. She and I shared Matzo ball soup (her new favorite baw soup). Hahaha. She is quite a dancer so while the grown ups were talking - I turned on Royal Wedding. She was in LOVE with Fred Astaire I think :) We just loved watching her enjoy the movie, the dancing.
For now visitors mean Brett can leave the house. It is not recommended or safe for me to be left alone for the time being.Brett didn't get "free time" by any means. He took one of the girls to a long overdue eye appointment and get my son picked up at school. They came brought ice cream home - Thrifty's my favorite Chocolate Malted Crunch and Mint Chip AND cones. Yay!
Tonight my sister came over - major heart to heart. Its so hard for me to accept the new realities I'm dealing with. Acceptance is still a challenge. I would love if someone would share how to come to acceptance. I'd really appreciate it commented here - I'm positive I'm not the only one that needs to learn acceptance in their life - whether now or when someone like me Googles and finds this blog. If it is too personal - I understand.
My sister (for those who don't know we are polar opposites) hence she is a major reality check for me during things like this. She pointed out its time to stop "Live Like You Are Dying". I've always been a type A personality. I guess I like to pretend I'm not but as she pointed out - apparently most people don't chose their child's name at 9 yrs old....she listed a myriad of other things that were all too true. Along with that I have this issue - how can I make everyone happy.
When our friend "Miah" passed away from Wagner's Granulomatosis in January 2007 - I thought I changed a lot. I took a risk at work and took a new position that came with many nay-sayers. It was also a major change from anything I had ever done. We'll have a whole blog on that. I got the tattoo I always dreamed about. I've gotten more. I have smoked hookah, and recently found I enjoy cigars here and there (yes THIS is "crazy" for me). I've actually hidden this from people so they don't think less of me. I'm 35 years old!!! OK, something else I need to change.
One last major change I'll mention for here is doing Pin-up. It was a major hurdle for me to say hey I want to do this AND I'm going too. I felt like I had to again really justify my decision. This again, NO MORE. I am so proud of the work I've done with modeling. Its the best thing I have ever done for myself. I don't plan to change that anytime soon. I am blessed enough that I do have Brett and also some amazing friends that lately have reminded me of this.
OK, enough for tonight. I'm going to focus on acceptance and how blessed I am for wonderful family all of us different which is what makes us fit together and some amazing friends that make getting though each day, sometimes minute easier to get through. And I'd like to report I laughed so hard tonight with Joe, Susan, Richard and Brett my stomach hurts. Amazing feeling. Love all of YOU!!!

Acceptance

I have taken up the inclusion of acupuncture therapy and yoga therapy since I left the hospital. Acupuncture brought up something difficult. I don't truly love myself right now. I thought well no SHIT. Am I supposed to lay here and be thankful to my body further LOVE it that I can't do anything that I believed to love just a few months ago? I have been forced to give up running - it may have been a passion for only a year or so - but I loved it. I loved who I was while I was running, I loved how I felt for the hours after it. The activities related to Rockabilly, Pin-up, all of it - can't make plans to go to anything because who knows what will happen  between now and then. Our last planned show I was just getting out of the hospital so guess that one isn't happening. The therapist in her work told me I need to accept myself as I am now. Truly accept it. She further assigned that I call my Grandmother - that I remember having a real conversation with maybe as a child. We have spoken rarely since.

I did as assigned. The next morning at 7 a.m. I called her. I was honest why I was calling her. She told me that it is time I stop trying to impress anyone else - only myself. I've spent my entire life trying to be a protectionist. I've tried to have the best grades, the best job, the best performance. I've even tried with all my heart and soul to apply that brilliance to raising my kids. Guess what you can't be the best mom. They are people that makes them a variable. Nothing I ever do is always going to be right. In fact at the older ages, maybe being a good mom is going to mean being a terrible mom.  My grandmother told me it's time to stop fighting with my own Mom about everything. You know what I realized - I don't even know what that means or how to do it. I asked and she wisely told me I will figure it out.

I received many other thoughts from her. I realize now I should have written it down. Those two items however are enough right now. I don't even know what to do with them. Further taken into thought is that I MUST learn how to accept this me, the current me. I'm no longer independent, I'm no longer the strong alone person I always thought I was. I am quite the opposite in fact. Don't want to hear any of it. I don't want to hear that the job I loved for years isn't an option to return to - it no longer exists. In my mind - if I had just been there (not incapable) I could have solved it. I would have saved what I loved as a career. If I wasn't sick my kids and I would be closer and I wouldn't feel like there is a wedge bigger every day. I would be myself not some warped pain medication intolerable version. If I wasn't so sick my house would be clean (especially if I was home a small fraction of what I am) instead I am doing amazing if I start a new load of laundry. I would be able to be a wife, to my husband in all ways - an equal. Instead, I depend on him for everything. It seems to increase every single day. Now I need a babysitter 24/7 in case I have a seizure. Not only do I have "NOTHING WRONG WITH ME THEY CAN FIND". There are no words to provide a diagnosis.  I'm just supposed to ACCEPT all of this? Really?

"Support"

Whats I struggle with even more with those people that run away from the problem - how many times did they need help, how many times was their road rocky and guess who they turned to for help. sometimes that help I was minimally affected by. Nothing more than an extra few minutes at work,  maybe training them a skill they didn't have that I could share and make their road a little smoother. Maybe it was something on the opposite side of the spectrum where i changed my entire life around. i have these kinds of friends, without asking they are there, they know what is needed. These people are amazing but I am reminded that they are few and  far  between. They aren't scared, they aren't blinded by their own selfishness their own fears. I choose to think that they aren't simply so shallow that they are the only one permitted to need. In the end, does it really matter? Probably not. The pain is just the same.

Angry and Alone

I am ANGRY everything I know and loved has been taken from me. I am sad because I am very alone. Unless through this they don't want to understand. They really don't want to hear about it either. When it comes to reality no one knows or much cares to understand to see that others in our lives suffer,or struggle. Its much easier  as a friend, a co-worker, a family member to just ignore it, ignore the person. Walk away and ignore the struggle. We all want to live in a world where things come wrapped in  a little blue box with a white ribbon. If what you hear is not that then what? worse even its something that you don't understand, Sometimes it brings up your own not so favorite life moments. What's easier than to just ignore it. I wonder how many of you realize i want nothing more than to ignore all of it. I have even tried. Unlike the option you live with i don't have have such luxury. The times I have tried to hard to just runaway for a few minute/hours - its right there wrapping around my leg like a rattlesnake reminding me don't bother I will only strike again.

ER last night Neurologist today!

The headline says it all. My pain yesterday was absolutely off the charts. Nothing was helping, as earlier in the week - the Pain Center was useless, they can't return phone calls, the admin staff or nurse goes against everything the doctor has said. And before you ask...yes they know. She kindly informed them in my presence that because I live so far away, my appointments must be scheduled around the other appointments I have since riding in the car exasperates my pain and symptoms. No, I didn't the the admin bimbo that is either combing her hair or putting on lip gloss would retain anything however I was holding out hope. Its frustrating as all hell. The doctor is always so sorry, it will not happen again. Leaves me wondering - I'm not a drug seeker. I legitimately have a serious (undiagnosed) pain condition. When I signed up for pain management I agreed would only get pain meds from them. So far we all see the issue.... oh and I neglected to point out also guess who never was found for scrips for yes PAIN MANAGEMENT when I was discharged from the hospital. So needless to say I've had some pain MANAGEMENT issues this week.
OK so after episode #1 and my ER visit Tuesday I have been miserable. I can't even begin to put into words how one of these hurts. Tuesday stupid me didn't think get pain meds I was just delighted hell had stopped and just left. Wednesday and Thursday I wanted to die.....leading to an "episode" last night starting at a horribly high level which made it so difficult to hold myself together.
They tried something different - administering the meds to stop it. They did intramuscular vs IV. It  worked 2x as fast. Gave me some pain meds and home we went. Off to the doctor in LA - sleep may be an option.
More later about the dr appt.

Video of Episode - WARNING it can be upsetting

Posting this video has been very difficult. I am so embarrassed, humiliated, scared  the words for it go on and on. Tuesday night I had another episode and it was a bad one. I was horrified that my daughter had to see her Mom that way; Never mind she is almost 18. To me, it is something I am terrified of, I always have been. I do not want to scare my kids or anyone else for that matter.

It's interesting i hadn't really taken the option to view the videos  until tonight. My first feeling honestly is "that doesn't really look like a big deal." Why is this such a concern? My thoughts immediately returned to how horrible it is to be that person in that position. Feeling like every minute is at least an hour. Playing games within my mind thinking I can of course make it stop. Right? We always are in control of our body's movements. Why is it when I tell my leg, arm, even hand to be still it doesn't listen. If anything it almost feels like if I focus on one body part to make it STOP - it gets worse.

Then there is the pain that accompanies the even itself. The realization that our bodies aren't supposed to move that way, they aren't built to move in that direction that many times, Sometimes one of those already painful movements will decide to be tonic - locking it in the most painful position possible. Then my pattern is to shake the leg/hip that already hurts unreal - as fast as it possibly can go. Faster than I honestly until a month ago was clueless the body could really move.

I am exhausted and I don't know that I can blog much more. I'm going to try to finish watching the football game and my Fantasy football before i go to sleep. I see the neurologist tomorrow so 1. Praying I get through the night without a trip to the ER, 2. Praying for an effective visit.

Asfor dinner tonight - thank you Matt and Windi  for dinner tonight. Taco Salad is always a big hit. The chocolate macadamias from Hawaii were the perfect addition. Others that brought dinner please now it means just as much - if not more if I wasn't up to blogging at the time.

God Bless Everyone and again please share this in hopes we get some sort of medical insight.

Did the same thing in the hospital

My left hip is twisted today. Woke up like this.

Opportunities to Model as a Pin-up NOW?

I've mentioned my dream of being a pin-up a few times. I think there are a number of people that are close to me that are still completely shocked by this hidden secret I had. Some perhaps not that they knew but aren't surprised. I'm sure there are even some that are pretty sure it has something to do with the drugs either that or I've completely lost my mind. Either way - my reality is I always was in love with it. When I modeled a few years back for a gift for Brett - despite being much heavier than I wanted, it felt wonderful. It was the artistic part of me I had always looked for. I knew then I was in love - I had no clue how to do it, how would it be accepted, was I prepared for those challenges, did I have the motivation to get thin. What would Brett think really? I had to get my arms and mind around it before I could say much less do anything about it again.

We had started talking it a lot prior to Sep 09. I figured I was working out like crazy and as soon as my body was where I envisioned it being - we would get started. The best part was I was just about there. Knock out the 5k and we'll start looking at it seriously. Best part with Brett and I both into old hot rods, we had a hobby/common interest that we had struggled with for a while.

Multiple stomach surgeries and pain meds that drive up my appetite (it's my excuse) oh and a month of steroids somewhere in there for my asthma - I puffed up like the stay puff marshmallow man. The stomach surgeries left the worst swelling for months! Finally I decided that I couldn't exercise but I could loose weight and I got back down to the same place I was before surgery. :) My clothes fit again and I had really started getting into vintage clothes shopping.

On 3 Apr, after having randomly been asked to model for a few cars at the show the day before - I got the nerve and asked Joe to do some shots of me with Brett's car. First shoot - gotta start somewhere. It was wonderful. The posing hurt like HELL sometimes, but I needed this emotionally. I had a blast. Joe seemed to enjoy the experience of a new type of photography and Brett was actively involved as artistic director. I think we all enjoyed the experience. It felt good mentally to look at photos of myself and think I'm healthy. I didn't have to think like when I worked, I didn't feel foggy and stupid like I did daily when I did my best to work. We took something like 500 pictures that day. We were both amateurs and we played it up. Best day I had in over a year. I felt human, I felt beautiful, I didn't feel like a blown up sick disabled person.

Another surgery, a few things here and there - like falling 11 days after surgery in the Albertsons parking lot (for unknown reason) and bursting open an incision that was six inches deep, and 4 inches wide. I spent the next few months packing it so it could heal from the inside out.

Just as it was about healed I got a response to my online pin-up portfolio at Pinup Lifestyle. Shannon Toy was offering a special deal in Big Bear in a few weeks. She had worked in the business for quite a few years. She saw potential in my shots, poses. facial expressions, body language. I was leery at first. One I was barely and I mean barely healing from this giant hole in my stomach - a hole that while mostly healed had left a scar you can only imagine - visible easily through clothes and especially any bathing suit or boudoir shots. Also. who was this photographer. I'm new. Lets face it I'm pretty low on funds considering how little I've been able to work, the medical bills (another topic to blog). I knew enough that if she was what she was representing - I wouldn't be able to afford it. And then there was my body - was it going to cooperate with poses?

After talking to her, praying, talking to Brett - I committed to it. We went up to Big Bear the Saturday after I saw the doctor to declare the wound was officially healed, however may need plastic surgery. It was a surreal experience. Luckily it was very relaxed. She was on vacation, visiting family and making do with the guest bedroom for hair, make up and wardrobe. The poses were up to me, and we'd work around my abilities. I gave her all the control and said teach me what you know. When I walked out for the first shot - with an awesome old rat rod firetruck and a rat rod - same type of car as Bretts hot rod. We did five outfits, hotrods, motorcycle. kitchen and boudoir.  I didn't expect anyone to watch us doing the photos, I realized when I walked out and there was an audience. This illness has taught me a very valuable tool that I used right here - just GO WITH IT. It was amazing. Everyone was so complimentary, helpful, I felt like we were with friends and family vs a group of folks we had just met that were offering their home and cars as my sets. The physical pain following this day was unreal - I can't begin to tell you how my body punished me. Mentally I was proud. Is my body model perfect nope,  did I laugh and enjoy myself yes, and I did something I always dreamed of.

I heard people question if I can go do a photoshoot why can't she go to work? I heard a few other not so "nice" comments or judgemental statements. I don't feel after all I've been through that I owe anyone justification. However, I will say modeling for me meant shutting off the part of my brain that seems to NOT work so often when it comes to my career. I didn't have to do anything but follow directions, smile, suck it in, lean left, head right. Not that modeling is "easy" either - it was different and different I needed. Another point, I'm sure if my doctor knew what I was doing she probably would have written the same letter she wrote to HR for my career. I did this for mental health above everything else. Anyone who has been down for at that point over a year and a half - going to the grocery store was a major feat. I'm sure they would understand. If no one understands, I am still wonderful with it.

The blessings of this haven't stopped. Mind you the Big Bear session was wonderful, however it was my first professional and I saw it as an emotional experience. I loved the photos and I signed all the releases, etc. I never thought twice. My goal was to watch my diet, hopefully begin exercising in time and have a well known photograph me. I figured that would really be the first time I would truly have an opportunity to be published and even then - down the road. While I was in the hospital, Shannon Toy photography notified me that I have been selected to appear in a coffee table type book of Pinups and HotRods.

I have to be honest I was so sick and so overwhelmed I don't know if I didn't believe it, thought it was just a dream or what. It's a blur that just faded into the nightmare I was living. After being home a few days I got a message from my friend and co-worker (and more of a mentor than she may ever know) - she had just gotten the book....Wait the book....the Pinups and HotRods book that I am in. I immediately got onto Amazon and ordered a copy. It should be here today. I know from Marsha I am on THREE pages. I guess I need to see it to believe it. At that point, I'm not sure anyone will understand what it means to me. Not only is a dream come true, the timing offers a message I can't even put into words. Tears roll down my face just realizing that despite the fact that it's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep because it hurts to much to lay down - mentally I am on a cloud with no pain just pure joy.

During WWII Pinups signified so many different things. Some argue they signified sex - they were no different than porn. To others it was a symbol of home, of love, hope, freedom and power. Me being a pinup right now signifies all of these things. Its a reminder that despite all of the things I have been through and the pain, I am blessed with a husband who constantly tells me that I am the most beautiful and sexiest woman alive (always when I feel the least), when I put on the makeup,do my hair, wear the clothes and shoes - all the extravagance it is me sending a message first to myself that I am still me NO one can take that away, just look at me. Secondly I feel like a woman, not an old boring mom, not a sick person the beautiful sexy woman I - ME feel and see inside.

I am fighting a war myself right now and to me the symbols of home, love, hope, freedom and power are there for me. Just getting myself made up some days gives me all of these things - even if no one sees me. It's powerful. If you are interested in purchasing my book it is available at Amazon via the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Pin-Ups-Hotrods-Vol-1/dp/1936882272/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1315473264&sr=1-1

Dopamax and well I lost track for the rest.

Work had always been my haven. In my heart is an undying passion for what I do, the reasons for it and the effect that it can have. I work in a male dominated world. I have always found this challenging and simply an added bonus that I had to work that much harder to prove that I was as capable if not more than some that I came in contact with. My biggest challenge has always been and will continue to be not that that directly are affected, or than work with me face to face - its these narrow minded fools that don't know me and make a snap judgement of my intelligence and abilities somehow based on my gender, age, clothing. I've put more thought into this area of my life and why I would be persecuted than I am embarrassed to admit. I know that all that matters are those who are affected by my work directly, however I also don't handle road blocks because of ignorance well at all.

Being out of work for so long has brought some interesting time for thought and reflection on this issue. I am very blessed to have mentors, Dennis, Terry, Len (who passed away about 18 months ago), Marsha and many others. Without these people, I don't know how I would have gotten through some times. They each individually taught me valuable lessons either directly or indirectly that will effect me forever. Not everyone is lucky enough to have this kind of person in their life. I also have others like Rod and Terry, a very special uncle Richard, Daisy, Karen - all people that have been so successful in their own lives and careers and somehow have directly or indirectly influenced  me more than they will ever know.The list of personal friends here is to long to list (and for some reason when I try to edit it make it all work it deletes other people)....quite fitting actually. I'll get back to this.

I went out with my review for the year (ending the day this began) with the best review of my work performance I could have ever dreamed of. I remember now hearing it and felt like it was a dream, I literally was getting just where I wanted to go with hard work, long hours - it was paying off just as I dreamed about. At the time I told anyone and everyone I had the BEST career I could imagine. Note I didn't say job - it was so much more than that!!!

Going back things changed in the office environment, people, staff changed. Time continues to move without me. I've had the celebratory "I'm back" days --- yes days. I have barely made it through a few full days here and there in the office. I have been given permission to work from home - allowing me to work around and deal with the pain issues. One thing has been a constant with any work since that day - I feel like I turned into a complete and total fucking IDIOT. A job that I could do in my sleep, I look as if someone is playing a joke on me and has removed half my brain without knowledge. I have tried everything - work with pain meds so the pain isn't a distraction, work without so pain meds don't make me feel flighty, work at odd hours like the middle of the night when my brain thinks it needs to be awake without reason. I've tried it sitting, laying down, standing, and every position in between. Maybe that would help something to be easier. Usually my bright idea would work for a day or two, some days nothing would work, other days I thought WOW here we go, WATCH OUT I'M BACK.

You guessed it nothing stuck - we won't go into the book of meds that specialists have tried in an attempt to make me feel some semblance of "normal" or perhaps "functional" is a better word for it. I made a comment a few months ago about this ridiculous ongoing issue to my new "pain specialist". She said matter of fact it's the topomax. That's why most people call it dopomax.  Even better news we didn't think it was working. We very slowly weaned off of it. Interesting thing to mention here....I have learned the "not addictive" drugs are worse to get off than the "addictive" ones for me. If your body depends on it to actually function i.e. topamax, pristiq, neurotin. Watch out. I can wean off the narcs - there is a set schedule, the side effects are pretty much guaranteed. In my mind MUCH easier.

So  I officially weaned off this topomax after a five week effort. My last dose was Monday Aug 1. Silly me thought that would get me back working. Look at me here. That effort back fired. I also had injections that week into my L5/S1 and SI joint. Goal being numb the pain. I had two glorious days - no pelvic pain (injection site pain, but NOT pelvic). Then well.....

So along with the fact that I can't focus or follow anything (if this blog isn't evidence of that I don't know what is).... I wanted to mention dopamax not write a book.... Ugh Next one will be Pinup.....

Renee and Tia brought an amazing dinner tonight. And....their sinfully famous fudge

We have been so blessed by meals every night. I want to thank the Hertz's, The Dickey's - have brought so many amazing meals, Jaimie and Nick. I'll try to do better. This is such a blessing.

Resting with Payton After 7 Sept Episode

Secrets and Dreams

I'm so determined to keep doing this blog yet it keeps not happening. I am home. I was released from the hospital on 1 September. I have so many negative feelings wrapped around the way I was treated at the hospital. The nurses were wonderful. The admitting doctor was was heartless. Dealing with something like this is more emotional than I know how to put into words even yet. Its something I need to figure out a way to understand. I am not sure if I've said it before, but seizures have always been my fear.

Each day I attempt to understand what is going on and why it happening. I have a condition that no doctors can figure out. I have a condition that tortures my body - each time an episode occurs I become a prisoner in my own body. I control nothing. My body moves as it chooses beating myself up to the point that I feel like a baseball bat. No one seems to understand the pain that's involved. Doctors worry about the weird part of how I shake and what my physical symptoms look like. No one seems to see or think about the results of what they have just witnessed.

I had my first "mystery" seizure in a week. It started about 0015. About 20+ minutes before my body started warning me, with what I'm told is an aura. I get a cold sweat, my body is hot with minimally weird discomfort in my my left hip. Oddly enough, Payton got very protective of me. Everytime I tried to get up, she would do everything she could to make me stay in bed. She was very in tune to what was about to happen. It began in my left thigh, and I was hopeful that I could make it just go away/stop. Within minutes it was shaking/hitting very hard. Brett got dressed quickly and poor guy tried to help me get a bra on since I only had jammies on. That was a nightmare. I can only imagine if that had been on video. Future note is to make what Brett said "Labor Bag". has something easy to put on my feet, all my current meds, a sports bra, and clothes easy to put on. Make these mystery episodes easier to deal with

Its hard for me to say "My Body's Secret" isn't taking over my entire life. I am not permitted to be alone ever for now - alone time is something I've always cherished to a certain level. It's really the best time to clear your mind, but also come up with how you are going to solve a challenge, create something new or just enjoy who you are. I find a way to make this happen now but it feels different.

Go back a couple of years, I had done pinup boudoir shots once before in 2007 just as play and something special for my husband. When I did it I was my heaviest- despite that I was in love. It was something I had privately dreamed of for years, I finally did it. We had a couple good ones that worked. Pictures of myself I actually liked. I felt so comfortable in front of the camera. I had always hated pictures, never felt like clothes fit me right well beyond jeans and a tshirt. I wanted to feel this again. I would look at the pin-ups in magazines, the clothes. I was going to look like that. I already had the shape, just needed to tone everything up. I kept it to myself because looking in the mirror at myself I wanted to prove to myself I could do it.  I also had some major changes in my mind to work through. Can a woman that is already a mother and a wife become a sexual being in this sense. If so, am I even close to doing it. How will family, friends, everyone respond to this? And so came a mental and physical desire to change into who I was. As an adult I had never seen myself as a sexual being, Rarely did I see myself as much more than a mom and the variety of jobs i threw myself into. The change was complex but I was proudly doing it with great success;

The "Secret" really began changing my life that beautiful evening September 30, 2009 as I ran with my son as we did often - it was our 5 mile night. I was down almost 60 lbs.  We were preparing for a 5K for Susan J. Komen in San Diego. It would be my first and his first not cross country event. I was feeling like I was in the best shape of my life physically. My appearance wasn't quite what I envisioned but time and work would get it there. I remember thinking I will finally feel comfortable that I really want to push Pinup Photography after we successfully completed the 5K

That night running about 3/4 mile into it I suddenly just crumpled. I remember the feeling today like it was 10 minutes ago. I couldn't even walk. I had the worst pain in my lower left pelvis. My husband picked me up and I alternated ice and heat, took pain meds from a surgery. The next morning I went to work, quickly realizing that I needed medical attention. Since they have removed adhesion's, my cervix and uterus, repaired left inguinal hernia then a subsequent neuroma. I've done physical therapy, tried to "walk it out, I've taken massive amounts of prescribed meds, nerve treatment meds. Last resort/hope spinal injections at the L5/S1, SI joint and a "trigger point".

Three days later I found myself with not only undiagnosed pelvic pain but now tachycardia and what lead to 22 days in the hospital, and an undiagnosed neurological condition that results in conscious full body muscle spasms that will continue endlessly without IV Ativan. This is part of my new reality, my goal - for today and readers bear with me please - is to help me find a sense in everything that has happened, will happen and how it affects my ultimate goals and dreams. I haven't even gotten into my family, my "real" job - yes I am a working woman. I believe right before all of this began I was having great success. I was proud of my performance, my intellect, influence, and how far I'd come. Since 30 Sep 09 I have barely been able to work and the work I have done I have considered to be embarrassing because it didn't represent the best I am. Pain meds, pain and other medication got in the way.

OK Time to close out - more tomorrow on Pin up...