Acceptance

I have taken up the inclusion of acupuncture therapy and yoga therapy since I left the hospital. Acupuncture brought up something difficult. I don't truly love myself right now. I thought well no SHIT. Am I supposed to lay here and be thankful to my body further LOVE it that I can't do anything that I believed to love just a few months ago? I have been forced to give up running - it may have been a passion for only a year or so - but I loved it. I loved who I was while I was running, I loved how I felt for the hours after it. The activities related to Rockabilly, Pin-up, all of it - can't make plans to go to anything because who knows what will happen  between now and then. Our last planned show I was just getting out of the hospital so guess that one isn't happening. The therapist in her work told me I need to accept myself as I am now. Truly accept it. She further assigned that I call my Grandmother - that I remember having a real conversation with maybe as a child. We have spoken rarely since.

I did as assigned. The next morning at 7 a.m. I called her. I was honest why I was calling her. She told me that it is time I stop trying to impress anyone else - only myself. I've spent my entire life trying to be a protectionist. I've tried to have the best grades, the best job, the best performance. I've even tried with all my heart and soul to apply that brilliance to raising my kids. Guess what you can't be the best mom. They are people that makes them a variable. Nothing I ever do is always going to be right. In fact at the older ages, maybe being a good mom is going to mean being a terrible mom.  My grandmother told me it's time to stop fighting with my own Mom about everything. You know what I realized - I don't even know what that means or how to do it. I asked and she wisely told me I will figure it out.

I received many other thoughts from her. I realize now I should have written it down. Those two items however are enough right now. I don't even know what to do with them. Further taken into thought is that I MUST learn how to accept this me, the current me. I'm no longer independent, I'm no longer the strong alone person I always thought I was. I am quite the opposite in fact. Don't want to hear any of it. I don't want to hear that the job I loved for years isn't an option to return to - it no longer exists. In my mind - if I had just been there (not incapable) I could have solved it. I would have saved what I loved as a career. If I wasn't sick my kids and I would be closer and I wouldn't feel like there is a wedge bigger every day. I would be myself not some warped pain medication intolerable version. If I wasn't so sick my house would be clean (especially if I was home a small fraction of what I am) instead I am doing amazing if I start a new load of laundry. I would be able to be a wife, to my husband in all ways - an equal. Instead, I depend on him for everything. It seems to increase every single day. Now I need a babysitter 24/7 in case I have a seizure. Not only do I have "NOTHING WRONG WITH ME THEY CAN FIND". There are no words to provide a diagnosis.  I'm just supposed to ACCEPT all of this? Really?