Secrets and Dreams

I'm so determined to keep doing this blog yet it keeps not happening. I am home. I was released from the hospital on 1 September. I have so many negative feelings wrapped around the way I was treated at the hospital. The nurses were wonderful. The admitting doctor was was heartless. Dealing with something like this is more emotional than I know how to put into words even yet. Its something I need to figure out a way to understand. I am not sure if I've said it before, but seizures have always been my fear.

Each day I attempt to understand what is going on and why it happening. I have a condition that no doctors can figure out. I have a condition that tortures my body - each time an episode occurs I become a prisoner in my own body. I control nothing. My body moves as it chooses beating myself up to the point that I feel like a baseball bat. No one seems to understand the pain that's involved. Doctors worry about the weird part of how I shake and what my physical symptoms look like. No one seems to see or think about the results of what they have just witnessed.

I had my first "mystery" seizure in a week. It started about 0015. About 20+ minutes before my body started warning me, with what I'm told is an aura. I get a cold sweat, my body is hot with minimally weird discomfort in my my left hip. Oddly enough, Payton got very protective of me. Everytime I tried to get up, she would do everything she could to make me stay in bed. She was very in tune to what was about to happen. It began in my left thigh, and I was hopeful that I could make it just go away/stop. Within minutes it was shaking/hitting very hard. Brett got dressed quickly and poor guy tried to help me get a bra on since I only had jammies on. That was a nightmare. I can only imagine if that had been on video. Future note is to make what Brett said "Labor Bag". has something easy to put on my feet, all my current meds, a sports bra, and clothes easy to put on. Make these mystery episodes easier to deal with

Its hard for me to say "My Body's Secret" isn't taking over my entire life. I am not permitted to be alone ever for now - alone time is something I've always cherished to a certain level. It's really the best time to clear your mind, but also come up with how you are going to solve a challenge, create something new or just enjoy who you are. I find a way to make this happen now but it feels different.

Go back a couple of years, I had done pinup boudoir shots once before in 2007 just as play and something special for my husband. When I did it I was my heaviest- despite that I was in love. It was something I had privately dreamed of for years, I finally did it. We had a couple good ones that worked. Pictures of myself I actually liked. I felt so comfortable in front of the camera. I had always hated pictures, never felt like clothes fit me right well beyond jeans and a tshirt. I wanted to feel this again. I would look at the pin-ups in magazines, the clothes. I was going to look like that. I already had the shape, just needed to tone everything up. I kept it to myself because looking in the mirror at myself I wanted to prove to myself I could do it.  I also had some major changes in my mind to work through. Can a woman that is already a mother and a wife become a sexual being in this sense. If so, am I even close to doing it. How will family, friends, everyone respond to this? And so came a mental and physical desire to change into who I was. As an adult I had never seen myself as a sexual being, Rarely did I see myself as much more than a mom and the variety of jobs i threw myself into. The change was complex but I was proudly doing it with great success;

The "Secret" really began changing my life that beautiful evening September 30, 2009 as I ran with my son as we did often - it was our 5 mile night. I was down almost 60 lbs.  We were preparing for a 5K for Susan J. Komen in San Diego. It would be my first and his first not cross country event. I was feeling like I was in the best shape of my life physically. My appearance wasn't quite what I envisioned but time and work would get it there. I remember thinking I will finally feel comfortable that I really want to push Pinup Photography after we successfully completed the 5K

That night running about 3/4 mile into it I suddenly just crumpled. I remember the feeling today like it was 10 minutes ago. I couldn't even walk. I had the worst pain in my lower left pelvis. My husband picked me up and I alternated ice and heat, took pain meds from a surgery. The next morning I went to work, quickly realizing that I needed medical attention. Since they have removed adhesion's, my cervix and uterus, repaired left inguinal hernia then a subsequent neuroma. I've done physical therapy, tried to "walk it out, I've taken massive amounts of prescribed meds, nerve treatment meds. Last resort/hope spinal injections at the L5/S1, SI joint and a "trigger point".

Three days later I found myself with not only undiagnosed pelvic pain but now tachycardia and what lead to 22 days in the hospital, and an undiagnosed neurological condition that results in conscious full body muscle spasms that will continue endlessly without IV Ativan. This is part of my new reality, my goal - for today and readers bear with me please - is to help me find a sense in everything that has happened, will happen and how it affects my ultimate goals and dreams. I haven't even gotten into my family, my "real" job - yes I am a working woman. I believe right before all of this began I was having great success. I was proud of my performance, my intellect, influence, and how far I'd come. Since 30 Sep 09 I have barely been able to work and the work I have done I have considered to be embarrassing because it didn't represent the best I am. Pain meds, pain and other medication got in the way.

OK Time to close out - more tomorrow on Pin up...