Dopamax and well I lost track for the rest.

Work had always been my haven. In my heart is an undying passion for what I do, the reasons for it and the effect that it can have. I work in a male dominated world. I have always found this challenging and simply an added bonus that I had to work that much harder to prove that I was as capable if not more than some that I came in contact with. My biggest challenge has always been and will continue to be not that that directly are affected, or than work with me face to face - its these narrow minded fools that don't know me and make a snap judgement of my intelligence and abilities somehow based on my gender, age, clothing. I've put more thought into this area of my life and why I would be persecuted than I am embarrassed to admit. I know that all that matters are those who are affected by my work directly, however I also don't handle road blocks because of ignorance well at all.

Being out of work for so long has brought some interesting time for thought and reflection on this issue. I am very blessed to have mentors, Dennis, Terry, Len (who passed away about 18 months ago), Marsha and many others. Without these people, I don't know how I would have gotten through some times. They each individually taught me valuable lessons either directly or indirectly that will effect me forever. Not everyone is lucky enough to have this kind of person in their life. I also have others like Rod and Terry, a very special uncle Richard, Daisy, Karen - all people that have been so successful in their own lives and careers and somehow have directly or indirectly influenced  me more than they will ever know.The list of personal friends here is to long to list (and for some reason when I try to edit it make it all work it deletes other people)....quite fitting actually. I'll get back to this.

I went out with my review for the year (ending the day this began) with the best review of my work performance I could have ever dreamed of. I remember now hearing it and felt like it was a dream, I literally was getting just where I wanted to go with hard work, long hours - it was paying off just as I dreamed about. At the time I told anyone and everyone I had the BEST career I could imagine. Note I didn't say job - it was so much more than that!!!

Going back things changed in the office environment, people, staff changed. Time continues to move without me. I've had the celebratory "I'm back" days --- yes days. I have barely made it through a few full days here and there in the office. I have been given permission to work from home - allowing me to work around and deal with the pain issues. One thing has been a constant with any work since that day - I feel like I turned into a complete and total fucking IDIOT. A job that I could do in my sleep, I look as if someone is playing a joke on me and has removed half my brain without knowledge. I have tried everything - work with pain meds so the pain isn't a distraction, work without so pain meds don't make me feel flighty, work at odd hours like the middle of the night when my brain thinks it needs to be awake without reason. I've tried it sitting, laying down, standing, and every position in between. Maybe that would help something to be easier. Usually my bright idea would work for a day or two, some days nothing would work, other days I thought WOW here we go, WATCH OUT I'M BACK.

You guessed it nothing stuck - we won't go into the book of meds that specialists have tried in an attempt to make me feel some semblance of "normal" or perhaps "functional" is a better word for it. I made a comment a few months ago about this ridiculous ongoing issue to my new "pain specialist". She said matter of fact it's the topomax. That's why most people call it dopomax.  Even better news we didn't think it was working. We very slowly weaned off of it. Interesting thing to mention here....I have learned the "not addictive" drugs are worse to get off than the "addictive" ones for me. If your body depends on it to actually function i.e. topamax, pristiq, neurotin. Watch out. I can wean off the narcs - there is a set schedule, the side effects are pretty much guaranteed. In my mind MUCH easier.

So  I officially weaned off this topomax after a five week effort. My last dose was Monday Aug 1. Silly me thought that would get me back working. Look at me here. That effort back fired. I also had injections that week into my L5/S1 and SI joint. Goal being numb the pain. I had two glorious days - no pelvic pain (injection site pain, but NOT pelvic). Then well.....

So along with the fact that I can't focus or follow anything (if this blog isn't evidence of that I don't know what is).... I wanted to mention dopamax not write a book.... Ugh Next one will be Pinup.....