Going back I have worked very hard to do whatever job was placed in front of me. I have always done everything I could to be the BEST. I always had something to prove. I honestly can't even begin to guess when this started or why. I remember vaguely a third grade teacher - I had her for 6 months (maybe) and in the middle of that I was out probably 6 weeks+ due to appendicitis and complications from it. I started mid-year from another school and I was behind (in my mind). They were far into cursive writing - it may have even been required and my last school we had barely begun learning. It was instant failure in my mind. Obviously, still remember it to this day.
The older I got - I realized quickly that being ahead of the curve not behind it was my choice. In school I remember almost as a rule doing homework as soon as it was assigned - preferably in class that same day. I hated even the feeling of it being there later, yet on occasion I would get overwhelmed by something and procrastinate - which devastated me. Ever since I began working it was SUCCEED - having been a teen mom I found it impossible to give 100% to my new family, 100% to school and 100% to work. I cut out school, I could put an extra 25% into work and move up pretty damn well. I was happy with it, we were able to pay our own bills (sign in my book of success), and the recognition I often received wasn't bad either.
When my last position became a reality it was the ultimate challenge for me. I had been an office manager (polite term for secretary based on my duties) for a few years now. I liked the job okay but it wasn't something I saw myself doing ever much less a few years. I felt like dress the part, smile, be happy all the time, and do the tasks means everyone is happy. Even this job I worked when the bosses worked, brought coffee, goodies took the extra steps to be the BEST.
The position I was accepted for and worked for the past almost five years - was so much more. I was challenged beyond belief. Even more I had a LOT of people that couldn't believe that someone (ME) could go from being a secretary to doing technical work - especially without a degree! What better situation for me - not only was I extremely passionate about what I would be doing, I had to prove to everyone that not only could I do the job - I would be amazing. I should note here that I faced disgusting, unacceptable behavior from an unreal number of "professionals" trying to embarrass, scare, or maybe just make life very uncomfortable so I would give up, walk away. They didn't realize I am way to stubborn for that (and I guess I didn't realize a persons body can only do, take and succeed to a certain breaking point)
I literally put everything I had into it. I travelled non-stop, I worked at work, I brought work home at night, weekends. I loved what I was doing because of what it was. I was lost in an amazing job that first and foremost I loved. Next the hard work started paying off and I began to be noticed. Compliments, awards just feeding into me once again being the BEST. Let's make a point though that the more I succeeded the more it seemed those same people who wished me to fail in the beginning were waiting in the wings. I pushed harder and harder - intent on a glorious review and goals of advancement. As I did it I was succeeding, I was the BEST....at work. I was married to work, and projects somehow became babies to coddle.
The same day that performance cycle ended - my body crashed. That was September 30, 2009. Since then work has been something I crave and despise. The passion for the work has never changed, I want so bad to return to what I enjoyed so much. At the same time I despise the hatred and judgement that lurked behind every corner. People that often times had no clue what my job title or job description were yet hated to see me succeed.
I haven't been able to work much since September '09. I worked from home as much as my worsening/changing medical condition allowed, and I got a couple weeks in the office here and there. I found out Friday that effective two years from that date in 2009, my "dream career" is no longer. I still have a job, if and when I am able to return I will find a new position. Given today's economy, I am nothing but thankful.
Listening to my sister, my husband, friends - everyone has said it is God taking care of me in a very difficult situation. I've had to grieve - I've cried a lot. I was literally heart broken that it was gone.
Writing this I am heart broken but for a different reason than when I started. I got so caught up in the passion, the goals, the challenge, and being the "BEST" that I allowed myself to represent my "WORST" qualities. For one I allowed people that mean NOTHING to me, that only wanted to see me fail determine my course of action. I nearly lost not only myself but the most amazing husband - who despite me held on even when I thought otherwise. In doing so I forgot who I was and who is truly important in my life - ME, my husband, my kids, my family, friends and my country. That's who I succeed for....that's who deserves my BEST and never again can I sacrifice ME to accomplish that....
....a lesson that I hear loud and clear but I'm not yet sure how to do it. Time, prayer, family, friends I'm sure will get me there as they have gotten me to here.
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