Time to Stop Screaming!

My mom celebrated her birthday today. She started my day responding to my Happy Birthday wishes with the comment "I'm just happy to be alive". I couldn't agree more! I can't begin to imagine my life without her.

Being her birthday I spent time thinking about my maternal grandmothers comment Saturday - you must stop fighting with your mother. I know why I couldn't just "stop", I never "started". I am very close to my parents. I think the world of my Mom.

My mom sacrificed the first 10+ years of my life being a stay at home mom. She even home-schooled me for a year, my sisters longer. She worked very hard to feed us extremely healthy food, do rotation diets for my food allergies. She did it not only for myself and my sisters but also opened our home as a day care provider. All while going to school herself to get her degree. So many things I can't even begin to imagine how she had the time, strength or power.

I was never an easy child. Arguably, I have fought with her since birth. I was THAT baby. I screamed non-stop at least my first year and about half the time until I was, oh say 10 and maybe 1/3 of the time until I moved out. God bless her. Now that I've raised two daughters, she had her work cut out for her when it came to me. She put me in anger management, she tried to teach me how to be calmer about life, relax, not be so stubborn in everyway she could.

As I've mentioned before I wanted to be the BEST as far back as I can remember. I also loved pleasing my parents. Looking at it now, I was quite the paradox, in one hand I made their life a living hell with my attitude and on the other I wanted to be perfect in school, activities, etc. When she was proud - it just further confirmed in my mind that I was succeeding!

I planned for success early- I would graduate (a year early) with stellar grades, move on and be accepted to a prestigious university. Instead one morning in April 1993, just 6 or 7 weeks before graduation I told her that I was pregnant. I broke her heart. Now as a parent I know she was scared for me. My response - be the BEST - take control of what I did and prove to myself, my mom (and everyone) I could do it, I would do it. I would succeed at this!

In doing so I now see I compounded the pain, her loss, her fears,  I thought I was helping her - she didn't need to raise our baby, we did. This time was so difficult for our relationship, but being 16/17 I failed to see all my options. I wasn't fighting with her - I'm sure it looked that way now - I was simply determined to succeed the best way I knew how for me, my new family.

For years, I consciously was showing her I was a success despite being a teen mom. I worked hard to be the best mom (accepting I could never be a mom like she had been). I unconsiously worked jobs that would add to it, make her proud. Usually, jobs that I enjoyed somewhat, or enjoyed portions of but usually I found difficult. Sometimes it was easy because I was promoting something that I truly believed in, but in the end it ate me alive. Social work, patient care, I don't have the strength she has in those areas.

Have I stopped yelling and screaming yet? Physically maybe (my kids may disagree at times) but I guess I haven't. I have been silently screaming saying here I am, I'm successful, I'm doing great. Unfortunately, being my worst critic. I created this picture of who and what I will be and exactly how I will do it. I've foolishly thought that meant she should just LOVE everything I LOVE and envisioned as if it mattered.

She and I are different in more ways than I can list. She is a Virgo, I'm a Gemini... We also are very much the same. Differences are what make us all so wonderful. They also are what makes it so difficult for us to understand each other. She may not love the fact that I keep tattooing my body, my dream is to be a pin-up girl, or maybe even why I was so passionate about my last position at work. I haven't been fighting with my Mom this whole time, I've just been yelling I'm successful, I did it, I'm a good mom, daughter - forgetting she doesn't have to share my passions and desires to love me and be proud of my success. Foolishly, in my becoming comfortable with me, I left this piece out.

In the end, I'm proud of my Mom and the success she has had. I personally think in her career she is hands down the best! If I find just a fraction of the success she has as a wife, mother and in her career - my life will be complete. 

One trait we share is neither of us is very good at stopping and resting when we should. Its gotten both of us into situations where God has to smack us upside the head.

Mom, Nana - I am working on this and hear God's message loud and clear. I'm not fighting - I guess I was just screaming still. Its time for silence (real silence). I love you both.