I have taken up the inclusion of acupuncture therapy and yoga therapy since I left the hospital. Acupuncture brought up something difficult. I don't truly love myself right now. I thought well no SHIT. Am I supposed to lay here and be thankful to my body further LOVE it that I can't do anything that I believed to love just a few months ago? I have been forced to give up running - it may have been a passion for only a year or so - but I loved it. I loved who I was while I was running, I loved how I felt for the hours after it. The activities related to Rockabilly, Pin-up, all of it - can't make plans to go to anything because who knows what will happen between now and then. Our last planned show I was just getting out of the hospital so guess that one isn't happening. The therapist in her work told me I need to accept myself as I am now. Truly accept it. She further assigned that I call my Grandmother - that I remember having a real conversation with maybe as a child. We have spoken rarely since.
I did as assigned. The next morning at 7 a.m. I called her. I was honest why I was calling her. She told me that it is time I stop trying to impress anyone else - only myself. I've spent my entire life trying to be a protectionist. I've tried to have the best grades, the best job, the best performance. I've even tried with all my heart and soul to apply that brilliance to raising my kids. Guess what you can't be the best mom. They are people that makes them a variable. Nothing I ever do is always going to be right. In fact at the older ages, maybe being a good mom is going to mean being a terrible mom. My grandmother told me it's time to stop fighting with my own Mom about everything. You know what I realized - I don't even know what that means or how to do it. I asked and she wisely told me I will figure it out.
I received many other thoughts from her. I realize now I should have written it down. Those two items however are enough right now. I don't even know what to do with them. Further taken into thought is that I MUST learn how to accept this me, the current me. I'm no longer independent, I'm no longer the strong alone person I always thought I was. I am quite the opposite in fact. Don't want to hear any of it. I don't want to hear that the job I loved for years isn't an option to return to - it no longer exists. In my mind - if I had just been there (not incapable) I could have solved it. I would have saved what I loved as a career. If I wasn't sick my kids and I would be closer and I wouldn't feel like there is a wedge bigger every day. I would be myself not some warped pain medication intolerable version. If I wasn't so sick my house would be clean (especially if I was home a small fraction of what I am) instead I am doing amazing if I start a new load of laundry. I would be able to be a wife, to my husband in all ways - an equal. Instead, I depend on him for everything. It seems to increase every single day. Now I need a babysitter 24/7 in case I have a seizure. Not only do I have "NOTHING WRONG WITH ME THEY CAN FIND". There are no words to provide a diagnosis. I'm just supposed to ACCEPT all of this? Really?
Showing posts with label Perfection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Perfection. Show all posts
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Opportunities to Model as a Pin-up NOW?
I've mentioned my dream of being a pin-up a few times. I think there are a number of people that are close to me that are still completely shocked by this hidden secret I had. Some perhaps not that they knew but aren't surprised. I'm sure there are even some that are pretty sure it has something to do with the drugs either that or I've completely lost my mind. Either way - my reality is I always was in love with it. When I modeled a few years back for a gift for Brett - despite being much heavier than I wanted, it felt wonderful. It was the artistic part of me I had always looked for. I knew then I was in love - I had no clue how to do it, how would it be accepted, was I prepared for those challenges, did I have the motivation to get thin. What would Brett think really? I had to get my arms and mind around it before I could say much less do anything about it again.
We had started talking it a lot prior to Sep 09. I figured I was working out like crazy and as soon as my body was where I envisioned it being - we would get started. The best part was I was just about there. Knock out the 5k and we'll start looking at it seriously. Best part with Brett and I both into old hot rods, we had a hobby/common interest that we had struggled with for a while.
Multiple stomach surgeries and pain meds that drive up my appetite (it's my excuse) oh and a month of steroids somewhere in there for my asthma - I puffed up like the stay puff marshmallow man. The stomach surgeries left the worst swelling for months! Finally I decided that I couldn't exercise but I could loose weight and I got back down to the same place I was before surgery. :) My clothes fit again and I had really started getting into vintage clothes shopping.
On 3 Apr, after having randomly been asked to model for a few cars at the show the day before - I got the nerve and asked Joe to do some shots of me with Brett's car. First shoot - gotta start somewhere. It was wonderful. The posing hurt like HELL sometimes, but I needed this emotionally. I had a blast. Joe seemed to enjoy the experience of a new type of photography and Brett was actively involved as artistic director. I think we all enjoyed the experience. It felt good mentally to look at photos of myself and think I'm healthy. I didn't have to think like when I worked, I didn't feel foggy and stupid like I did daily when I did my best to work. We took something like 500 pictures that day. We were both amateurs and we played it up. Best day I had in over a year. I felt human, I felt beautiful, I didn't feel like a blown up sick disabled person.
Another surgery, a few things here and there - like falling 11 days after surgery in the Albertsons parking lot (for unknown reason) and bursting open an incision that was six inches deep, and 4 inches wide. I spent the next few months packing it so it could heal from the inside out.
Just as it was about healed I got a response to my online pin-up portfolio at Pinup Lifestyle. Shannon Toy was offering a special deal in Big Bear in a few weeks. She had worked in the business for quite a few years. She saw potential in my shots, poses. facial expressions, body language. I was leery at first. One I was barely and I mean barely healing from this giant hole in my stomach - a hole that while mostly healed had left a scar you can only imagine - visible easily through clothes and especially any bathing suit or boudoir shots. Also. who was this photographer. I'm new. Lets face it I'm pretty low on funds considering how little I've been able to work, the medical bills (another topic to blog). I knew enough that if she was what she was representing - I wouldn't be able to afford it. And then there was my body - was it going to cooperate with poses?
After talking to her, praying, talking to Brett - I committed to it. We went up to Big Bear the Saturday after I saw the doctor to declare the wound was officially healed, however may need plastic surgery. It was a surreal experience. Luckily it was very relaxed. She was on vacation, visiting family and making do with the guest bedroom for hair, make up and wardrobe. The poses were up to me, and we'd work around my abilities. I gave her all the control and said teach me what you know. When I walked out for the first shot - with an awesome old rat rod firetruck and a rat rod - same type of car as Bretts hot rod. We did five outfits, hotrods, motorcycle. kitchen and boudoir. I didn't expect anyone to watch us doing the photos, I realized when I walked out and there was an audience. This illness has taught me a very valuable tool that I used right here - just GO WITH IT. It was amazing. Everyone was so complimentary, helpful, I felt like we were with friends and family vs a group of folks we had just met that were offering their home and cars as my sets. The physical pain following this day was unreal - I can't begin to tell you how my body punished me. Mentally I was proud. Is my body model perfect nope, did I laugh and enjoy myself yes, and I did something I always dreamed of.
I heard people question if I can go do a photoshoot why can't she go to work? I heard a few other not so "nice" comments or judgemental statements. I don't feel after all I've been through that I owe anyone justification. However, I will say modeling for me meant shutting off the part of my brain that seems to NOT work so often when it comes to my career. I didn't have to do anything but follow directions, smile, suck it in, lean left, head right. Not that modeling is "easy" either - it was different and different I needed. Another point, I'm sure if my doctor knew what I was doing she probably would have written the same letter she wrote to HR for my career. I did this for mental health above everything else. Anyone who has been down for at that point over a year and a half - going to the grocery store was a major feat. I'm sure they would understand. If no one understands, I am still wonderful with it.
The blessings of this haven't stopped. Mind you the Big Bear session was wonderful, however it was my first professional and I saw it as an emotional experience. I loved the photos and I signed all the releases, etc. I never thought twice. My goal was to watch my diet, hopefully begin exercising in time and have a well known photograph me. I figured that would really be the first time I would truly have an opportunity to be published and even then - down the road. While I was in the hospital, Shannon Toy photography notified me that I have been selected to appear in a coffee table type book of Pinups and HotRods.
I have to be honest I was so sick and so overwhelmed I don't know if I didn't believe it, thought it was just a dream or what. It's a blur that just faded into the nightmare I was living. After being home a few days I got a message from my friend and co-worker (and more of a mentor than she may ever know) - she had just gotten the book....Wait the book....the Pinups and HotRods book that I am in. I immediately got onto Amazon and ordered a copy. It should be here today. I know from Marsha I am on THREE pages. I guess I need to see it to believe it. At that point, I'm not sure anyone will understand what it means to me. Not only is a dream come true, the timing offers a message I can't even put into words. Tears roll down my face just realizing that despite the fact that it's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep because it hurts to much to lay down - mentally I am on a cloud with no pain just pure joy.
During WWII Pinups signified so many different things. Some argue they signified sex - they were no different than porn. To others it was a symbol of home, of love, hope, freedom and power. Me being a pinup right now signifies all of these things. Its a reminder that despite all of the things I have been through and the pain, I am blessed with a husband who constantly tells me that I am the most beautiful and sexiest woman alive (always when I feel the least), when I put on the makeup,do my hair, wear the clothes and shoes - all the extravagance it is me sending a message first to myself that I am still me NO one can take that away, just look at me. Secondly I feel like a woman, not an old boring mom, not a sick person the beautiful sexy woman I - ME feel and see inside.
I am fighting a war myself right now and to me the symbols of home, love, hope, freedom and power are there for me. Just getting myself made up some days gives me all of these things - even if no one sees me. It's powerful. If you are interested in purchasing my book it is available at Amazon via the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Pin-Ups-Hotrods-Vol-1/dp/1936882272/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1315473264&sr=1-1
We had started talking it a lot prior to Sep 09. I figured I was working out like crazy and as soon as my body was where I envisioned it being - we would get started. The best part was I was just about there. Knock out the 5k and we'll start looking at it seriously. Best part with Brett and I both into old hot rods, we had a hobby/common interest that we had struggled with for a while.
Multiple stomach surgeries and pain meds that drive up my appetite (it's my excuse) oh and a month of steroids somewhere in there for my asthma - I puffed up like the stay puff marshmallow man. The stomach surgeries left the worst swelling for months! Finally I decided that I couldn't exercise but I could loose weight and I got back down to the same place I was before surgery. :) My clothes fit again and I had really started getting into vintage clothes shopping.
On 3 Apr, after having randomly been asked to model for a few cars at the show the day before - I got the nerve and asked Joe to do some shots of me with Brett's car. First shoot - gotta start somewhere. It was wonderful. The posing hurt like HELL sometimes, but I needed this emotionally. I had a blast. Joe seemed to enjoy the experience of a new type of photography and Brett was actively involved as artistic director. I think we all enjoyed the experience. It felt good mentally to look at photos of myself and think I'm healthy. I didn't have to think like when I worked, I didn't feel foggy and stupid like I did daily when I did my best to work. We took something like 500 pictures that day. We were both amateurs and we played it up. Best day I had in over a year. I felt human, I felt beautiful, I didn't feel like a blown up sick disabled person.
Another surgery, a few things here and there - like falling 11 days after surgery in the Albertsons parking lot (for unknown reason) and bursting open an incision that was six inches deep, and 4 inches wide. I spent the next few months packing it so it could heal from the inside out.
Just as it was about healed I got a response to my online pin-up portfolio at Pinup Lifestyle. Shannon Toy was offering a special deal in Big Bear in a few weeks. She had worked in the business for quite a few years. She saw potential in my shots, poses. facial expressions, body language. I was leery at first. One I was barely and I mean barely healing from this giant hole in my stomach - a hole that while mostly healed had left a scar you can only imagine - visible easily through clothes and especially any bathing suit or boudoir shots. Also. who was this photographer. I'm new. Lets face it I'm pretty low on funds considering how little I've been able to work, the medical bills (another topic to blog). I knew enough that if she was what she was representing - I wouldn't be able to afford it. And then there was my body - was it going to cooperate with poses?
After talking to her, praying, talking to Brett - I committed to it. We went up to Big Bear the Saturday after I saw the doctor to declare the wound was officially healed, however may need plastic surgery. It was a surreal experience. Luckily it was very relaxed. She was on vacation, visiting family and making do with the guest bedroom for hair, make up and wardrobe. The poses were up to me, and we'd work around my abilities. I gave her all the control and said teach me what you know. When I walked out for the first shot - with an awesome old rat rod firetruck and a rat rod - same type of car as Bretts hot rod. We did five outfits, hotrods, motorcycle. kitchen and boudoir. I didn't expect anyone to watch us doing the photos, I realized when I walked out and there was an audience. This illness has taught me a very valuable tool that I used right here - just GO WITH IT. It was amazing. Everyone was so complimentary, helpful, I felt like we were with friends and family vs a group of folks we had just met that were offering their home and cars as my sets. The physical pain following this day was unreal - I can't begin to tell you how my body punished me. Mentally I was proud. Is my body model perfect nope, did I laugh and enjoy myself yes, and I did something I always dreamed of.
I heard people question if I can go do a photoshoot why can't she go to work? I heard a few other not so "nice" comments or judgemental statements. I don't feel after all I've been through that I owe anyone justification. However, I will say modeling for me meant shutting off the part of my brain that seems to NOT work so often when it comes to my career. I didn't have to do anything but follow directions, smile, suck it in, lean left, head right. Not that modeling is "easy" either - it was different and different I needed. Another point, I'm sure if my doctor knew what I was doing she probably would have written the same letter she wrote to HR for my career. I did this for mental health above everything else. Anyone who has been down for at that point over a year and a half - going to the grocery store was a major feat. I'm sure they would understand. If no one understands, I am still wonderful with it.
The blessings of this haven't stopped. Mind you the Big Bear session was wonderful, however it was my first professional and I saw it as an emotional experience. I loved the photos and I signed all the releases, etc. I never thought twice. My goal was to watch my diet, hopefully begin exercising in time and have a well known photograph me. I figured that would really be the first time I would truly have an opportunity to be published and even then - down the road. While I was in the hospital, Shannon Toy photography notified me that I have been selected to appear in a coffee table type book of Pinups and HotRods.
I have to be honest I was so sick and so overwhelmed I don't know if I didn't believe it, thought it was just a dream or what. It's a blur that just faded into the nightmare I was living. After being home a few days I got a message from my friend and co-worker (and more of a mentor than she may ever know) - she had just gotten the book....Wait the book....the Pinups and HotRods book that I am in. I immediately got onto Amazon and ordered a copy. It should be here today. I know from Marsha I am on THREE pages. I guess I need to see it to believe it. At that point, I'm not sure anyone will understand what it means to me. Not only is a dream come true, the timing offers a message I can't even put into words. Tears roll down my face just realizing that despite the fact that it's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep because it hurts to much to lay down - mentally I am on a cloud with no pain just pure joy.
During WWII Pinups signified so many different things. Some argue they signified sex - they were no different than porn. To others it was a symbol of home, of love, hope, freedom and power. Me being a pinup right now signifies all of these things. Its a reminder that despite all of the things I have been through and the pain, I am blessed with a husband who constantly tells me that I am the most beautiful and sexiest woman alive (always when I feel the least), when I put on the makeup,do my hair, wear the clothes and shoes - all the extravagance it is me sending a message first to myself that I am still me NO one can take that away, just look at me. Secondly I feel like a woman, not an old boring mom, not a sick person the beautiful sexy woman I - ME feel and see inside.
I am fighting a war myself right now and to me the symbols of home, love, hope, freedom and power are there for me. Just getting myself made up some days gives me all of these things - even if no one sees me. It's powerful. If you are interested in purchasing my book it is available at Amazon via the following link: http://www.amazon.com/Pin-Ups-Hotrods-Vol-1/dp/1936882272/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1315473264&sr=1-1
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