Spiritual Strength

Through this struggle I have spent so much time in self reflection. Learning more about mindfulness (something I had NEVER even heard of before last August) and really trying to strengthen my personal spiritual beliefs and relationship. The mindfulness part I am still working on - don't asked me for a definition off the top of my head just yet.
I consider myself a Christian. I believe that Jesus died for our sins. At them same time perhaps I am unique, I believe we can learn a lot from other spiritual beliefs. More than I can count I have been touched and lead to prayer and deep thought by teachings from the Dahli Lama and  Buddha just as examples. I am not party of a church. I have many personal reasons. Perhaps them easiest for me is that for me my spiritual journey and relationship with a higher power is mine. I choose to not feel required to follow a groups rules. That is a very personal decision for each individual.
God has provided me with support, strength, motivation, love and so much more from so many sources. It has been amazing. Coming out of the hospital in August he provided a  doctor who I truly credit with my life. He is of the Sikh religion. He is peaceful, smart, compassionate, empathetic, strong in ways no other doctor and few people I have ever met. He cares about his patients as a whole person. He immediately not only was treating me with traditional Western medicine but also a variety of time tested Eastern techniques including private yoga sessions to address my health issues (not fitness as we usually associate). Special types of breathing, transfer of relaxation so many amazing spiritual healing connections. I don't know them words to explain this blessed experience.
Acupuncture has been a massive part of not only my weekly treatment but instrumental in my current diagnosis, pain relief, nausea treatment, headache treatment, seizure treatment, emotional balance -  all limiting the number of medications I have had to take as well as allowing me to become more in touch with my body.
Through all of this I read a book by popular author Dr. Andrew Weill "Spontaneous Happiness". It did such an awesome job bringing so many of my personal experiences into words. He also has a book I learned about in the same book called "Spontaneous Healing". I am just starting to read this. I already can highly recommend both books. I'm not one for self help books and such, but given them challenges I have been facing I found his experiences and explanations inspiring and helpful in so many ways.
So how has this all affected me and my decisions, day to day living... one of my hardest struggles was how do I continue to work with all of these symptoms I am experiencing. The brain fog, slow cognitive function, tremors, severe fatigue, not to mention no longer being able to travel due to the seizures. The list felt never ending and overwhelming. I  prayed for guidance read scripture,  talked with my husband, family, friends, therapist. The guidance didn't touch my heart. I was really stressing. One evening as I was trying to relax and Brett was watching TV a wounded Marine came on, he said Sarah, you'll want to see this. I sat and watched a young Marine that had lost 3 of his four limbs. He proudly wore his uniform and was surrounded by his Marine brothers. As he spoke his pride and strength was undeniable. It wasn't a show for tv, he said he would go again knowing the end result. He had plans for life, he saw this not as the ends of his life but the beginning of a new adventure. In that moment my answer about work was crystal clear. He was my messenger. I will keep working. I will face my challenges head on. I will see this as a new adventure. My struggles are minimal compared to what he is facing AND he would do it again for our freedom, for the very life I am taking for granted.
I am working on remembering that precious lesson every moment of every day. Today I seemed to have lost sight of it. Tomorrow is another day. To all the wounded warriors that find the strength and motivation of the young man I saw that night - I know great things are coming your way. You are true heroes. And to that young man on TV that night - God Bless You!

Wonderful Day

As so many of you are aware, I am aware of vintage clothing, music and much more. Through out this experience I have had had so many wonderful people that mean the world to me - encouraging me to do something with my love for pinup, vintage, thrift shopping, garage selling all of it.

I have successfully set up my etsy account. My new online store via etsy is called Stormy Vintage - of course a play on my pinup name. I am hoping that tomorrow I will be able to begin putting pictures in tomorrow and some items can begin selling. I was blessed enough to feel up to a few garage sales on Friday morning with Brett. I found some amazing vintage patterns, some very vintage style fabric, a handbag and some adorable belts.

Today Correen and I got some time in at a local thrift store. I found some wonderful items. My favorite a late 50's/early 60's shift dress with matching neck scarf. Just adorable. Thanks to both mine and my husbands wonderful parents I was able to gather the inventory that I have collected for the past few years. In addition, I was contacted by a previous publisher with interest of me doing more pinup modeling. Don't forget to check out Pinups and Hot Rods Vol. 1. Perhaps I will participate in future publications. I would love too.

I have also added a widget to my blog - It includes links to anything that I refer to on Amazon. If you use this link I get the opportunity to earn a very little kick back for the reference. Being that I'm not working this could really come in handy. In addition, I spend so much time reading and listening to music - I simply decided I would love to share some of what I am learning with you.

Now the health part of my day. The best news since this nightmare began. I'm not sure if I mentioned it a few weeks ago or not. I decided I would be proactive. After hours of internet research I sent emails to every movement specialist I could find with an email address listed. As you can imagine most of them were return to sender as they were no longer any good. I got a few "I'm not taking new patients". This morning I received a phone call from a Dr. Jerome Lint's office. His staff member told me he is VERY interested in the email I sent (included video's of seizures). He wants to see me immediately. I will see him first thing Thursday!!! No we can see you in 3 weeks. I want to thank God and thank ALL of you that have been praying so much. Please pray that it will go as wonderful.

I luckily still have an appointment October 12 with Dr. Mark Lew at USC. He has an amazing reputation. I am starting to feel hopeful that a diagnosis and perhaps some level of understanding will surface soon. I did go 72 hours without a seizure. Unfortunately last night about midnight I woke up to terrible back pain and within minutes I was seizing. I lasted aout the normal 30 minutes. My back has been terribly sore all day. The other odd symptom I am struggling with the past few days - some edema fairly mild, however extremely painful in my feet and ankles. It doesn't seem to improve much when I stay off my feet - painwise. I have found an amazing product that does help Traumeel. I was introduced to it during my 22 days in the hospital. I can't believe how much it helps. I accidently let myself run out. I miss it so much. Really - anyone with pain even just from a workout. This is it! AND it doesn't smell, and it's not a nasty narcotic/opiate with a ton of terrible side effects.

One thing I did notice today that was rough - the old days not only could I drive myself around to the various thrift stores, I could hit all of them. Today I honestly barely made it through one store. I was exhausted, sore and unable to even enjoy my purchases the end of the day. I ended up sleeping for yours afterwards, taking a very LONG bubble bath with Village Naturals Aches and Pains. listening to my favorite music.

Wonderful reset to say the least - gave me the ability get in set up the Etsy Store. Really got my head in place. Its been quite a scattered day, and my post a bit scattered as well. The best part I feel good today emotionally. The pain is there and difficult, I'm shaking awful becasue I chose to use the laptop, but I got to thrift shop, set up my online store (step one) AND I'm blogging.

I hope you don't mind the Amazon widget. I want to share these wonderful things I have found. I have NO money coming in. Maybe it will work. Please let me know. I don't want to be a sell out. One last thing that is just awesome is a book that reflects some of the things the neurologist staff has been working on with me. Alternative methods of healing. I am loving to drink a chunk of ginger in hot water with a bit of honey. My new morning drink that I am really trying to switch to from coffee - just HOT water and lemon. I feel sooo GOOOD when I do this. Its such minor changes folks. You won't believe it. I just love so far how this book talks about it, just the basics in idiot terms :)

OK my LOVES I must try to go to sleep. Please feedback. Hopefully tomorrow will be as wonderful as today. Hugs to you all that keep me, my family going. Today and my joy would and could not have happened without all of you. We are so blessed.

"Dream" Job - Chance of a Lifetime or Proving Ground

Going back I have worked very hard to do whatever job was placed in front of me. I have always done everything I could to be the BEST. I always had something to prove. I honestly can't even begin to guess when this started or why. I remember vaguely a third grade teacher - I had her for 6 months (maybe) and in the middle of that I was out probably 6 weeks+ due to appendicitis and complications from it. I started mid-year from another school and I was behind (in my mind). They were far into cursive writing - it may have even been required and my last school we had barely begun learning. It was instant failure in my mind. Obviously, still remember it to this day.
The older I got - I realized quickly that being ahead of the curve not behind it was my choice. In school I remember almost as a rule doing homework as soon as it was assigned - preferably in class that same day. I hated even the feeling of it being there later, yet on occasion I would get overwhelmed by something and procrastinate - which devastated me. Ever since I began working it was SUCCEED - having been a teen mom I found it impossible to give 100% to my new family, 100% to school and 100% to work. I cut out school, I could put an extra 25% into work and move up pretty damn well. I was happy with it, we were able to pay our own bills (sign in my book of success), and the recognition I often received wasn't bad either.
When my last position became a reality it was the ultimate challenge for me. I had been an office manager (polite term for secretary based on my duties) for a few years now. I liked the job okay but it wasn't something I saw myself doing ever much less a few years. I felt like dress the part, smile, be happy all the time, and do the tasks means everyone is happy. Even this job I worked when the bosses worked, brought coffee, goodies took the extra steps to be the BEST.
The position I was accepted for and worked for the past almost five years - was so much more. I was challenged beyond belief. Even more I had a LOT of people that couldn't believe that someone (ME) could go from being a secretary to doing technical work - especially without a degree! What better situation for me - not only was I extremely passionate about what I would be doing, I had to prove to everyone that not only could I do the job - I would be amazing. I should note here that I faced disgusting, unacceptable behavior from an unreal number of "professionals" trying to embarrass, scare, or maybe just make life very uncomfortable so I would give up, walk away. They didn't realize I am way to stubborn for that (and I guess I didn't realize a persons body can only do, take and succeed to a certain breaking point)
I literally put everything I had into it. I travelled non-stop, I worked at work, I brought work home at night, weekends. I loved what I was doing because of what it was. I was lost in an amazing job that first and foremost I loved. Next the hard work started paying off and I began to be noticed. Compliments, awards just feeding into me once again being the BEST. Let's make a point though that the more I succeeded the more it seemed those same people who wished me to fail in the beginning were waiting in the wings. I pushed harder and harder - intent on a glorious review and goals of advancement. As I did it I was succeeding, I was the BEST....at work. I was married to work, and projects somehow became babies to coddle.
The same day that performance cycle ended - my body crashed. That was September 30, 2009. Since then work has been something I crave and despise. The passion for the work has never changed, I want so bad to return to what I enjoyed so much. At the same time I despise the hatred and judgement that lurked behind every corner. People that often times had no clue what my job title or job description were yet hated to see me succeed.
I haven't been able to work much since September '09. I worked from home as much as my worsening/changing medical condition allowed, and I got a couple weeks in the office here and there. I found out Friday that effective two years from that date in 2009, my "dream career" is no longer. I still have a job, if and when I am able to return I will find a new position. Given today's economy, I am nothing but thankful.
Listening to my sister, my husband, friends - everyone has said it is God taking care of me in a very difficult situation. I've had to grieve - I've cried a lot. I was literally heart broken that it was gone.
Writing this I am heart broken but for a different reason than when I started. I got so caught up in the passion, the goals, the challenge, and being the "BEST" that I allowed myself to represent my "WORST" qualities. For one I allowed people that mean NOTHING to me, that only wanted to see me fail determine my course of action. I nearly lost not only myself but the most amazing husband - who despite me held on even when I thought otherwise. In doing so I forgot who I was and who is truly important in my life - ME, my husband, my kids, my family, friends and my country. That's who I succeed for....that's who deserves my BEST and never again can I sacrifice ME to accomplish that....
....a lesson that I hear loud and clear but I'm not yet sure how to do it. Time, prayer, family, friends I'm sure will get me there as they have gotten me to here.

Dopamax and well I lost track for the rest.

Work had always been my haven. In my heart is an undying passion for what I do, the reasons for it and the effect that it can have. I work in a male dominated world. I have always found this challenging and simply an added bonus that I had to work that much harder to prove that I was as capable if not more than some that I came in contact with. My biggest challenge has always been and will continue to be not that that directly are affected, or than work with me face to face - its these narrow minded fools that don't know me and make a snap judgement of my intelligence and abilities somehow based on my gender, age, clothing. I've put more thought into this area of my life and why I would be persecuted than I am embarrassed to admit. I know that all that matters are those who are affected by my work directly, however I also don't handle road blocks because of ignorance well at all.

Being out of work for so long has brought some interesting time for thought and reflection on this issue. I am very blessed to have mentors, Dennis, Terry, Len (who passed away about 18 months ago), Marsha and many others. Without these people, I don't know how I would have gotten through some times. They each individually taught me valuable lessons either directly or indirectly that will effect me forever. Not everyone is lucky enough to have this kind of person in their life. I also have others like Rod and Terry, a very special uncle Richard, Daisy, Karen - all people that have been so successful in their own lives and careers and somehow have directly or indirectly influenced  me more than they will ever know.The list of personal friends here is to long to list (and for some reason when I try to edit it make it all work it deletes other people)....quite fitting actually. I'll get back to this.

I went out with my review for the year (ending the day this began) with the best review of my work performance I could have ever dreamed of. I remember now hearing it and felt like it was a dream, I literally was getting just where I wanted to go with hard work, long hours - it was paying off just as I dreamed about. At the time I told anyone and everyone I had the BEST career I could imagine. Note I didn't say job - it was so much more than that!!!

Going back things changed in the office environment, people, staff changed. Time continues to move without me. I've had the celebratory "I'm back" days --- yes days. I have barely made it through a few full days here and there in the office. I have been given permission to work from home - allowing me to work around and deal with the pain issues. One thing has been a constant with any work since that day - I feel like I turned into a complete and total fucking IDIOT. A job that I could do in my sleep, I look as if someone is playing a joke on me and has removed half my brain without knowledge. I have tried everything - work with pain meds so the pain isn't a distraction, work without so pain meds don't make me feel flighty, work at odd hours like the middle of the night when my brain thinks it needs to be awake without reason. I've tried it sitting, laying down, standing, and every position in between. Maybe that would help something to be easier. Usually my bright idea would work for a day or two, some days nothing would work, other days I thought WOW here we go, WATCH OUT I'M BACK.

You guessed it nothing stuck - we won't go into the book of meds that specialists have tried in an attempt to make me feel some semblance of "normal" or perhaps "functional" is a better word for it. I made a comment a few months ago about this ridiculous ongoing issue to my new "pain specialist". She said matter of fact it's the topomax. That's why most people call it dopomax.  Even better news we didn't think it was working. We very slowly weaned off of it. Interesting thing to mention here....I have learned the "not addictive" drugs are worse to get off than the "addictive" ones for me. If your body depends on it to actually function i.e. topamax, pristiq, neurotin. Watch out. I can wean off the narcs - there is a set schedule, the side effects are pretty much guaranteed. In my mind MUCH easier.

So  I officially weaned off this topomax after a five week effort. My last dose was Monday Aug 1. Silly me thought that would get me back working. Look at me here. That effort back fired. I also had injections that week into my L5/S1 and SI joint. Goal being numb the pain. I had two glorious days - no pelvic pain (injection site pain, but NOT pelvic). Then well.....

So along with the fact that I can't focus or follow anything (if this blog isn't evidence of that I don't know what is).... I wanted to mention dopamax not write a book.... Ugh Next one will be Pinup.....