MRIs and Cheese Blintzes

MRI is done. This was the third since I was admitted here on May 10th. Its funny to me that the transport tech comes to pick me up and off we go. When I get down its like old friends. Familiar faces providing a smile and a re-assuring feeling that everything is somehow OK. The transport tech that brought me up has taken care of me a few times.

I dont believe I have explained my room - only in Beverly Hills.. I have a room that in size rivals that of a Residence Inn. When you enter yhe flooring to your right is a low pile multi-tone brown. Sitting on it is a beautiful brown/tan couch with carved birch arms. The setting is complimented by a matching end table as well as my dining room table where Brett and I try to share every meal.

To the left of the door and the entrance way is oak wood floor. further right is the nursing computer (cow they call it), an IV machine (luckily I'm not attached to right now. My stand hospital bed, tray and a fairly comfortable chair for Brett. Hanging high on the wall is a large flat screen TV. No there is no HBO (which translates to no True Blood) - yes I am having horrible withdrawals. They have an amazing listing of newer movies to select from. I have also found a way to enjoy a special channel that is just old old classics - complete with the original commercials.

I enjoyed breakfast sitting at the dining room table looking out over an overcast city. Cheese blintzs, bacon, peaches and fresh coffee. Brett came back from the laundromat and we went for our walk around the unit. The internist told me last night its 3 walks a day or those damn bubble leg pumps to avoid blood clots.

The walk was peaceful enough initially. The beauty of this hospital is the art on the walls. Unfortunately by the time I got back my back had been spasming as if I had been trying some awful white girl dance move. I realized as I walked that I am beyond blessed to have my dear husband who is not just physically strong enough to hold me up during this, but more importantly emotionally, and with such witty humor when I need it the most.

I have so far been officially diagnosed with myoclonus. Please feel free to google it. Just saying it much less writing it is emotional. It has a name, it has a scary name. My biggest irrational fear my entire life has been epilepsy. As you read you will find this isn't epilepsy and my episodes aren't "seizures" however in the physical reality - what I find myself living is no different than that for the moment. I am experiencing about 3 episodes a day. I have two choices cry through each one, allowing the pain and fear to control my experience. The other is that I laugh with Brett, laugh at the way my butt wiggles like the best stripper ever, laugh that I'm trying to look like a mermaid, shock that my body, my feet, hips turn in such an unnatural way. Surprise and exhaustion when my hip to my toe is tonic in the worst position ever - asthetically and painfully.

I shudder at how this initial diagnosis will affect the rest of my life. My desires to be a bit crazy, ride the wave of life and enjoy everything. My heart and soul knows that meaning is changing, simple things like driving myself very well will not happen for sometime. I wonder how others will feel when am episode starts. I have seen nurses and specialists in neurology get scared, show shock and fascination.

Then I remember this is just almost a symptom.What is the brain MRI going to show? the MRA (I learned this morning this is an MRI that reads the blood flow specifically.) The prefer to use IV contrast for a better reading but Im severely allergic.

I also am waiting on more blood work results, the results of a 5 HIAA 24 hr urine. the first of this test came back dangerously high, however it has the possibility of a false positive, so we re-did it and they administered the followup diagnostic blood work which takes about 8 days, we figure we'll get them back at the same time.

I have been away from home, my kids since May 9. I worry about them so much. How will they handle the diagnosis I already have? What about the future? They each deal with so much since I became sick. I wirry every moment of everyday anout how this effects them. At night I dream of being a "normal" mommy. All three have been my whole world for my entire adult life. I was blessed with healthy parents - how does this affect them. I ask God why they must be hurt.

Tonight my dad will bring them down for me to see. I havent heard if they are all coming for the weekend, I can't wait to see all three. At the same time, I don't want them to see me like this. They've seen loved ones in this place and its turned out bad. it brings up emotions and fear for us all.

I apologize for the length. You guys know I can write and ramble.