Family and Friends

Family and friends are so integral in our journey through life. I have been thinking on this blog for a few days. Reflecting on how my relationships have impacted my individual journey specifically the past 2 yrs and 7 months that have been so directly focused on illness, struggle, fear, pain, and challenges. Out of all of these things that many would say are negative came experiences that have changed who I am forever. It has changed how I view relationships. with not only my friends but also family. Its changed priorities in my life. Its strengthen my relationship with God. All lessons that focus around one thing, we aren't in this life alone for a reason. I consider myself incredibly blessed not only with family but with such a wonderful diverse group of incredibly supportive friends. Each one has served a unique role during this adventure. I have come to value in a way words will never describe - the role each of them has played in supporting not only me but my husband and my kids as well.

Knowing now what exactly is wrong with me and understanding the effects hormones play in our moods, behavior, personality and choices I find myself in a difficult place. All of these wonderful people in my life have stepped in the best way they knew how to provide the most support possible. Family took major sacrifices out of love and concern. While in my heart I was always grateful for everything, I never questioned intentions or the love they had for me - I was on a hormonal roller coaster from hell speed up at times by severe pain, pain medication, fear, loss of my own health and role in life. In return, those closest to me felt first hand the internal nightmare I was living. I have questioned relationships, tested unconditional love, screamed, yelled, locked myself up securely from emotion. In other words, I have been down right ugly. Please don't mistake this as "blaming" the adenoma and hormones. Quite the opposite, I am saying this because it is something I take full responsibility for. They were my words, my actions, my behavior. At the same time, its important for me to discuss the reality - the very ugly reality of how this has affected me. There has been a lot of damage done, but at the same time it has been an opportunity for self-reflection. Many, many thousands of hours have been spent re-learning myself, my interactions and working to understand and repair relationships.

My biggest difficulty in all of this has been the affect it has had on my kids. I have three wonderful children, they were 17, 15 and 12 when this began. My ability to be a parent through so much of this has been taken away. Severe pain, heavy narcotics, multiple surgeries, anti-seizure medications, not to mention seizures - and the emotional toll that ALL of that took on me as it continued with no resolution, just something new, new doctor, new possible diagnosis, the hormone instability, mood swings. I find myself so angry that this simple MRI wasn't done years ago for one major reason - my kids didn't deserve all this. I missed so much of their lives that I can't ever replace. At the same time, I have been blessed with sisters and friends that were right there ready to do whatever I couldn't. They have always been a strong presence in their lives and in a time like this, I realize how truly lucky we all are to have relationships like this. They have endured the test of time, the roller coaster of life and in the end there is nothing I can ever do to express my gratitude.

There are other friends that have kept my husband sane through all of this. They not only would show up with dinners for what seemed like months, but they drop by hang out. I honestly don't even know all they do - but the emotional support, checking in, stopping by, getting us out for dinner and laughter. They are invaluable. He has taken on so much stress through all of this, I can't even begin to imagine how I would cope if the tables were turned. He is a rock, his love for me shines through in everything. I couldn't be more blessed. I thank God for him and those that give him strength when I can't.

In addition to all of these amazing people, are the friends who know to show up with a drink, dessert, lunch, whatever just to talk. The friends that although far away physically are right here with me on the phone or chat getting me through a rough day. The friends at work that are compassionate and understanding. The friends that seem to know when to check on me at just the right time. Obviously so many people fall into many of these categories. I can't begin to imagine going through this experience without even one of them.