I have been just awful about blogging. I found myself realizing yesterday that I miss it terribly. I in turn had some real honest thinking to do. If this is something I enjoy so much why have I allowed it to be neglected? I have indeed had a few technical/physical issues. My phone (a DROID2 has been acting up). The slide out qwerty keyboard decided to stop lighting up. I am most comfortable using that method and it is gone. Secondly as I mentioned the tremors - just trying to check my work email with the touch pad mouse - I had lost all patience with the situation. Tonight I'm doing my best to type on the touch screen qwerty. Its much slower for me so far because it isn't my comfort zone yet. I'm hoping it goes well because I have a lot I would really like to share. Get you caught up with me so that I can get back to daily entries. My reason - its amazingly therapeutic for me.
I am going to start on that topic. Therapeutic blogging ...really how can I find sharing my honest most intimate feelings with the world - more challenging and scarier sharing with those close to me. Strangers have no preconceived ideas of who or what I am. I don't have any real emotional connection IF I happened to get feedback. Family, friends, coworkers, all see me and everything I'm experiencing. Some days as you have seen that isn't so pretty, nice, kind, or careful. I guess in the end I figure if you don't want to see/hear it - you don't waste your time.
On the medical side of things - few changes. Most important and exciting I am finally off Zoloft (sertaline) after almost 10 years. Couple things before I go into "getting off". I wasn't proud that I took an antidepressant. I don't think anyone is. The past few years I had come to the conclusion based on various physicians (not psychiatric) that I truly struggled with anxiety and some depression. Back when I was prescribed I even remember thinking (as the internist prescribed it) during a hospitalization for a severe kidney infection. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I was in terrible pain and was given no pain meds because "my kidneys couldn't filter them", sounds like a reason to cry a bit seem a bit anxious... I recall going to see a psychologist for some time after and being told I was fine just recovering from a terrible illness.
Since then I have attempted to stop it with the assistance of various physicians. Every time I got to 50 mg. I would feel awful. EVERY TIME I was told I didn't feel good because I was having anxiety. One positive aspect to the idiot neurologist who tried to diagnose everything psychogenic - I know without a shadow of a doubt I have nothing psychological (I know! LOL)
Now facing life altering medical issues - undiagnosed myoclonus, tardive, tremors - all side effects of the medication I have been taking forever poisoning my body for conditions I don't have - conditions that were because of doctors simply didn't want to say I don't know.
I have been out of the hospital just over 4 weeks. I have weaned off straight OxyContin, 40mg a day (to treat pain of the seizures). Ativan 1 mg 4x per day (plus daily 1-3 2 mg IV or IM injections to stop the seizures. I also left taking 50 mg Zoloft (down from 150mg). It took a couple weeks to get ofc the controlled substances. Didn't even finish scripts. I have gotten off narcotics many times the past 2 yrs. Its physical effects can be ugh......but wean and your good.
I am saying all this because the Zoloft is a nightmare. I am dizzy, bring zaps (yes feels constantly like a lightening strikes) I havent had 12.5 mg since last Friday. The diarrhea, nausea, joint pain. All hasn't eased even slightly. I start researching and it isn't uncommon to last a month plus! The more I experience this, the more I believe these medications aren't monitored properly. Yes they serve an amazing purpose when needed. There needs to be more awareness of their dangers but they also need to mo irises my mental health physicians for proper use. For many people around the world they have proven az dangerous as narcotics.
PLEASE be cautious. If you have questions about my experience please free to ask me, more importantly your doctor.
My best news is Dr. Mark Lew, a movement disorder specialist agreed to see me 12 Oct. Much better than December! News hopefully on the horizon.
I must end this and sleep! But I must say that I have been so reminded how blessed we are with the most amazing family and TRUE friends. Wednesday was in terribly hard day. The scariest being unable to speak during a seizure and for 2 hours after. I was close to loosing faith, and God has reminded me 100 fold how blessed I am. Tomorrow I hope to explain.
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