AHHHHHH Ok I feel like I could do that 30 more times today and not even break the surface. The only thing I have ever found that dents this feeling - really - is running. How good a run - maybe five miles or so. Instead my feet and ankles while some better because I was in bed 85% of the day balked strongly at just the thought of taking pictures of items for the Etsy store.
I look at myself in the mirror - just over a month ago I was 30 lbs lighter, I was photographed and published and on my way to my to becoming a pinup model. The same publisher is very interested in me again - ya wow! Its all I can do to drop meds and get used to the new ones. Dieting at 1000 calories a day again sounds well impossible no matter how bad I want it. I know it isn't a priority, I know it really shouldn't matter but it hurts regardless.
I'm promising to be honest here. Wow. It seems easy sometimes - others not so much.
Today we listed our motor home for sale. We talked about it so much and I know it has to be done. The payment, gas, insurance, upkeep, registration. Not exactly realistic in our situation anymore. This is a loss of something physical I feel we worked hard for. Harder part when push comes to shove, is we have had some amazing times as a family in that motor home. I guess I figured we would always have it. Its crazy enough that my "babies" are 18. 17 (in college) and 14 (high school). That always seemed to bring us together no matter what was going on. It is just another symbol of the end.
Oh, and while being honest what about the medical bill collectors. They call, send mail. Bills from doctors, tests, labs, people places I seemingly know nothing about. Somehow we owe them $200 here, $11, the variety equaling thousands and thousands of dollars. Everytime I see one I think - all this $$ (nevermind what insurance has paid) and we have NO clue what's going on. I'm still a medical mystery.
My entire brain (until tremors or a seizure start) tell me just to go back to work, do whatever they have for me. If the pain is bad suck it up. I can handle anything. My husband has been working from home or on sick leave the better part of 2 months. Back to that I require a babysitter 24/7.
The tension in my house I HATE. I always feel if I was just "normal". The first reality - my way like MANY of you. out there - deal with this tension by running away to work, travel. I was mastering that technique. Now if I could just think harder, control more it would all be OK - I could go back to what's easy, what's "normal" for me. The reality is it isn't. I'm not in control. God is proving he is in control this time around. I have some amazing friends and family that so gently remind of this. I am trying so hard - all of you. You are also the ones that know this is perhaps my biggest weakness.
You know how you cherish those days when you can wear NOTHING but pajamas or sweats and just watch movies/football? I know I used too. Today was the first really fall day here. Tonight as I laid in a tub of warm water and epsom salts (yes for my aching feet) I realized that when I was able to work, I would have been so excited to wear that new fall dress and shoes this morning. Instead like many days - I never got out of my pj's at all. Now I dream of the opposite. Am I ever happy?
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